Trying to fit in these days is not so easy anymore. People are so judgmental now. I've seen so many changes in the world, when I was 15 I never thought that there would be cell phones because when I was 15 Pagers had just come out and it was the thing back then. I even remember the famous Pong, the first-ever video game console. We've come along why since then, people are no different. People used to be somewhat nice 15 to 20 years ago. But in the last 41 years, I have witnessed a lot of hate, violence, and death. I've kinda had enough of death in my life. So why it is those two little words (I've Tried) are overlooked when you try talking with someone about something that is bothering you?
As I mentioned in my last blog (Ponder This) I said that people nowadays think they are the only ones with problems. Ask yourself this when you approach someone about a problem you're facing what is the first thing they usually say to you? Does this sound familiar? (You ain't the only one with problems) Yeah, that's the kind of people we are all turning into. "My problem is bigger than your problems. Kind of people." I thought only guys said shit like that when we were in the locker room talking about the sizes of are dicks. OOO Fuck! We are turning into teenage boys haha.
So what in the world is it going to take to make people listen??
I've tried to help you understand,
I've tried to help you see.... Me,
I've tried to help you see.... You,
I've tried to fix what needs fixing,
I've tried to make you happy,
I've tried to make myself happy,
I've tried killing myself twice,
I've tried asking for help,
I've tried until I couldn't try anymore...
Then I asked myself, what would my Grandma Horne want me to do with my life? The first thing she would have said is that killing myself would be the coward's way out, and I wasn't a coward and then proceed to pop my ass one good time for thinking such nonsense.
So I promised her that I would never ever try killing myself again because you know what they say third time the charm. So since then, I have been just floating around in this life with no real direction. When I was around 31 my father was kidnapped, robbed, and murdered. He worked as a cab driver for Gold Star Taxi and he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I tried to put on a brave face for a few months but behind closed doors I was devastated, it hit me like a Mack truck. In court one of the guys that were involved in my dad's demise said he heard my dad say (why why) after they shot him for the first time. Then they shot him two more times in the back of the head just to make sure he was dead. I think that bothered me more than anything else. I tried to hide my tears and grief from everybody, because my dad told me as I grew up that crying was a sign of weakness and only girls cried, told me men are not weak.
But as the weeks and months passed after his death, I became more and more upset to the point I had to talk to someone, but then I found I had no one to talk to. Let me point out one thing here when I say I didn't have anyone to talk to I am saying I really didn't have anyone I felt comfortable talking to.
My being upset all the time turned into me being pissed off all the time. I have always been upset and pissed at myself for not ever making anything of myself. But now I'm majorly pissed off all the time. Then that didn't last long until I started the I don't give a shit attitude. At this point in my life, I was so unhappy with my life that I went to bed every night praying for death, I prayed that I would die in my sleep and every morning I would wake up and start the cycle all over again. One night I dreamed I was having a heart attack it was so bad it woke me up and my chest was hurting so bad, I couldn't breathe and the left side of my body was numb. The very next night I had another dream. Still, this dream was very calm, peaceful and almost beautiful, it had bright white light then it was my Grandma Horne standing there and she said one word to me and it was "Live" Since then I have been getting better and trying to enjoy life because that's what she wanted me to do. Life for me these days is still hard and I still get into my moods, I still have to fight away the bad thoughts in my head. In fact, I am a little happier these days. So in closing, what I have learned is giving up is never the answer, and pushing forward is.
Keep trying things until you figure them out, Things will always work themselves out so in the meantime be calm and relax. I used to tell myself that dying was the only way I could ever get anybody to listen to me, but then I realized I have a tongue, so I decided to start using it.
JLH
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