For some strange reason as I get older I am developing an addiction to journals, I keep buying new ones and then scared to write in them. However, I'm not much of a writer but I think my subconscious is telling me I need to write. So for the past couple of years, I've tried just that, writing. But sadly I get upset and frustrated with my writing skills and the content of the subject along with the pain in my hand.
I will write a few pages then my hand is on fire and I look at the sloppy writing and the subject and I flat out hate it so much that I tear it out and as a result, I ruin the journal. I've ruined a few in the last couple of years but it wasn't until one day it finally occurred to me what my problem was. Most of my life I've been criticized for almost everything. Being quiet, shy, awkward, standoffish, negative, complainer, loner, etc. The biggest thing has always been the way I talk and get things off my chest. I never considered myself as complaining or saying my issues were worse than others. I just want to say how I was feeling. But sadly the way it sounds coming out gives everyone the idea I'm complaining.
So after years of hearing people saying stop complaining and everyone has issues etc. that now when I write and when I read what I wrote that's what I hear. And that's why I always hate what I write. Until one day I thought to myself "This is for you". And just like that I realized I'm not writing for others or their approval, I'm writing for me. So that's what I going to start doing. Going to start using those four words every time I write to remind me it's for me and me alone. If others don't like it that's their problem, not mine.
Not sure where writing is going to take me, don't think I'll be a famous novelist but I hope to leave behind a few journals for others to see what was going on in my life if they choose to.
This was for me,
Jack
Thursday, July 13, 2017
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Memento Mori
Full Disclosure: This was written by the Daily Stoic Website. All rights belong to them. I just thought this was worth sharing. Please visit their site for more awesome insights. www.dailystoic.com
- Jack
“Let us prepare our minds as if we’d come to the very end of life. Let us postpone nothing. Let us balance life’s books each day. … The one who puts the finishing touches on their life each day is never short of time.” Seneca
At a Roman triumph, the majority of the public would have their eyes glued to the victorious general at the front—one of the most coveted spots during Roman times. Only a few would notice the aide in the back, right behind the commander, whispering into his ear, “Remember, thou art mortal.” What a reminder to hear at the peak of glory and victory!
It is reminders like this one that we desperately need in our own lives—a thought or an idea that we’d rather ignore, do everything to avoid and pretend is not true. Most often, our ego runs away from anything that reminds us of the reality that sits at odds with the comfortable narrative we have build for ourselves. Or, we are simply petrified to look at life’s facts as they are. And there is one simple fact that most of us are utterly scared to meditate, reflect on and face head on: We are going to die. Everyone around us is going to die.
Such reminders and exercises take part of Memento Mori—the ancient practice of reflection on mortality that goes back to Socrates, who said that the proper practice of philosophy is “about nothing else but dying and being dead.” In early Buddhist texts, a prominent term is maraṇasati, which translates as ‘remember death.’ Some Sufis have been called the “people of the graves,” because of their practice of frequenting graveyards to ponder on death and one’s mortality.
Throughout history, Memento Mori reminders have come in many forms. Some, like the aide behind the general, were there to humble. Others were invented to inspire zest for life. The essayist Michel de Montaigne, for instance, was fond of an ancient Egyptian custom where during times of festivities, a skeleton would be brought out with people cheering “Drink and be merry for when you’re dead you will look like this.”
To us moderns this sounds like an awful idea. Who wants to think about death? But what if instead of being scared and unwilling to embrace this truth we did the opposite? What if reflecting and meditating on that fact was a simple key to living life to the fullest? Or that it was the key to our freedom—as Montaigne put it, “To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave.”
In his Meditations—essentially his own private journal—Marcus Aurelius wrote that “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” That was a personal reminder to continue living a life of virtue NOW, and not wait. The French painter Philippe de Champaigne expressed a similar sentiment in his painting Still Life with a Skull, which showed the three essentials of existence — the tulip (life), the skull (death), and the hourglass (time). The original painting is part of a genre referred to as Vanitas, a form of 17th century artwork featuring symbols of mortality which encourage reflection on the meaning and fleetingness of life.
Meditating on your mortality is only depressing if you miss the point. It is in fact a tool to create priority and meaning. It’s a tool that generations have used to create real perspective and urgency. To treat our time as a gift and not waste it on the trivial and vain. Death doesn’t make life pointless but rather purposeful. And fortunately, we don’t have to nearly die to tap into this. A simple reminder can bring us closer to living the life we want. It doesn’t matter who you are or how many things you have left to be done, a car can hit you in an intersection and drive your teeth back into your skull. That’s it. It could all be over. Today, tomorrow, someday soon.
The Stoic finds this thought invigorating and humbling. It is not surprising that one of Seneca’s biographies is titled Dying Every Day. After all, it is Seneca who urged us to tell ourselves “You may not wake up tomorrow,” when going to bed and “You may not sleep again,” when waking up as reminders of our mortality. Or as another Stoic, Epictetus, urged his students: “Keep death and exile before your eyes each day, along with everything that seems terrible— by doing so, you’ll never have a base thought nor will you have excessive desire.” Use those reminders and meditate on them daily—let them be the building blocks of living your life to the fullest and not wasting a second.
- Jack
“Let us prepare our minds as if we’d come to the very end of life. Let us postpone nothing. Let us balance life’s books each day. … The one who puts the finishing touches on their life each day is never short of time.” Seneca
At a Roman triumph, the majority of the public would have their eyes glued to the victorious general at the front—one of the most coveted spots during Roman times. Only a few would notice the aide in the back, right behind the commander, whispering into his ear, “Remember, thou art mortal.” What a reminder to hear at the peak of glory and victory!
It is reminders like this one that we desperately need in our own lives—a thought or an idea that we’d rather ignore, do everything to avoid and pretend is not true. Most often, our ego runs away from anything that reminds us of the reality that sits at odds with the comfortable narrative we have build for ourselves. Or, we are simply petrified to look at life’s facts as they are. And there is one simple fact that most of us are utterly scared to meditate, reflect on and face head on: We are going to die. Everyone around us is going to die.
Such reminders and exercises take part of Memento Mori—the ancient practice of reflection on mortality that goes back to Socrates, who said that the proper practice of philosophy is “about nothing else but dying and being dead.” In early Buddhist texts, a prominent term is maraṇasati, which translates as ‘remember death.’ Some Sufis have been called the “people of the graves,” because of their practice of frequenting graveyards to ponder on death and one’s mortality.
Throughout history, Memento Mori reminders have come in many forms. Some, like the aide behind the general, were there to humble. Others were invented to inspire zest for life. The essayist Michel de Montaigne, for instance, was fond of an ancient Egyptian custom where during times of festivities, a skeleton would be brought out with people cheering “Drink and be merry for when you’re dead you will look like this.”
To us moderns this sounds like an awful idea. Who wants to think about death? But what if instead of being scared and unwilling to embrace this truth we did the opposite? What if reflecting and meditating on that fact was a simple key to living life to the fullest? Or that it was the key to our freedom—as Montaigne put it, “To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave.”
In his Meditations—essentially his own private journal—Marcus Aurelius wrote that “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” That was a personal reminder to continue living a life of virtue NOW, and not wait. The French painter Philippe de Champaigne expressed a similar sentiment in his painting Still Life with a Skull, which showed the three essentials of existence — the tulip (life), the skull (death), and the hourglass (time). The original painting is part of a genre referred to as Vanitas, a form of 17th century artwork featuring symbols of mortality which encourage reflection on the meaning and fleetingness of life.
Meditating on your mortality is only depressing if you miss the point. It is in fact a tool to create priority and meaning. It’s a tool that generations have used to create real perspective and urgency. To treat our time as a gift and not waste it on the trivial and vain. Death doesn’t make life pointless but rather purposeful. And fortunately, we don’t have to nearly die to tap into this. A simple reminder can bring us closer to living the life we want. It doesn’t matter who you are or how many things you have left to be done, a car can hit you in an intersection and drive your teeth back into your skull. That’s it. It could all be over. Today, tomorrow, someday soon.
The Stoic finds this thought invigorating and humbling. It is not surprising that one of Seneca’s biographies is titled Dying Every Day. After all, it is Seneca who urged us to tell ourselves “You may not wake up tomorrow,” when going to bed and “You may not sleep again,” when waking up as reminders of our mortality. Or as another Stoic, Epictetus, urged his students: “Keep death and exile before your eyes each day, along with everything that seems terrible— by doing so, you’ll never have a base thought nor will you have excessive desire.” Use those reminders and meditate on them daily—let them be the building blocks of living your life to the fullest and not wasting a second.
My Confession and Thoughts
I must admit after 40 years of being a worry expert and self-doubt master, it has been a very hard change for me to take on a new philosophy of the stoics. It has helped me in small ways but I still have a long way to go. Getting the self-doubt and self-criticism under control I think may help me break through years of bad living. It's no joke it's hard very hard breaking a 40-year-old habit is not an easy task. But I love the way the stoics make me feel. Gives me hope and wonder. I've spent the last 8 months or so in a stupor. After the ordeal with my wife and problems at work, I pretty much hit close to the bottom and now I'm trying to get back up on my feet. But it's not that easy for me. My current situation is that I am so down and out my depression and self-doubt are stopping me from pushing through the haze that covers me every day.
One of my biggest regrets in life is I never listened to my parents or step-parents or any adult when they tried to teach me something, now as an adult, I am pretty clueless as to how to handle many adult life decisions. All because I didn't listen when I was younger. I should have gone to college but I was too lazy and hard-headed. Only when I it my twenty did I start taking things seriously. But I still made so many bad decisions that got me nowhere. Now I'm 41 years old with no real skill sets or college degree as of this moment in life I am a glorified mail boy. And from my experiences in job interviews, I will be a laughing stock to them. The only thing I have going for me is that I am a very loyal employee I do have old school work ethics (never late, never call out, etc.) but in today's world that is flat-out use less. I own I home and a car that is slowly fading away and I have no clue how to handle it.
The thing about depression is it makes you contemplate suicide often, and in the last year I have come very close to biting the bullet, or since I don't own a gun maybe an overdose on pain meds. However, I can't kill myself due to a promise I made to my dying grandmother as she faded away. And anybody who knows me well knows I am OCD about keeping my promises. My grandmother was a genius even in her last few hours she knew I'd be tested in life. And that I would want to end. She knew how much she meant to me she knew I would keep my promise. And I always will. I feel if I can overcome the obstacles in my life I'll be a better man for it. Plus I really want to go back to school but sadly I am unable to afford it. Because I got so much I have to pay. (Full Disclosure) In the last year I finally after 40 years developed an addiction. I never in a million years thought I'd be an addict. But here it goes... I'm an online shopping addict. I couldn't seem to stop buying things even though I knew I had no money. But on the flip side as of June 2017, I finally stopped, it was hard and still is. But now I have a bill of 1500.00 due to PayPal and my credit card is around 300.00 at the moment so now I'm stressing about that.
Yesterday my car's brakes started to act funny and now I'm worried my brakes will go out and I'll wreck and maybe hurt someone or myself. So now I'm scared because I don't have money to fix it. I am so unsure of what is to come of my life, scared I may lose my ride and not be able to make it to work in turn can't make money for bills then may lose my home or worse. I am so lost right now. I read every day to help me take my mind off things and gather hope from what I'm reading. I reread a lot of Marcus Aurelius writings and Epictetus and Seneca as well, they help calm me down and I really like it. Just wish I could obtain the skills and knowledge of being a real stoic and a real adult and know how to proceed in my life, right now I feel like a stupid teenager still.
I know this is a lot of complaining and most people in the world will be like stop complaining....everyone has problems with them I say fuck you! Don't you think I know that! I know quite well that others around this world are way worse off them me. So why are you always coming at me with such judgment? I don't judge you not even one ounce because it's not worth my time. I write this today to simply get it off my chest and for the ones that really care about me maybe they might want to help. Please understand I don't want your pity or handouts just advice or help me find ways to improve my situation.
One last thing my health in the last year has gone downhill and I may not be around much longer but I want everyone to know I love them and always will. Not sure if anyone will ever read this. But if you do just know I did not kill myself! I ask that everyone be strong and go on with their lives its what I want everyone to do. Love you all!
Jack
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