I must admit after 40 years of being a worry expert and self-doubt master, it has been a very hard change for me to take on a new philosophy of the stoics. It has helped me in small ways but I still have a long way to go. Getting the self-doubt and self-criticism under control I think may help me break through years of bad living. It's no joke it's hard very hard breaking a 40-year-old habit is not an easy task. But I love the way the stoics make me feel. Gives me hope and wonder. I've spent the last 8 months or so in a stupor. After the ordeal with my wife and problems at work, I pretty much hit close to the bottom and now I'm trying to get back up on my feet. But it's not that easy for me. My current situation is that I am so down and out my depression and self-doubt are stopping me from pushing through the haze that covers me every day.
One of my biggest regrets in life is I never listened to my parents or step-parents or any adult when they tried to teach me something, now as an adult, I am pretty clueless as to how to handle many adult life decisions. All because I didn't listen when I was younger. I should have gone to college but I was too lazy and hard-headed. Only when I it my twenty did I start taking things seriously. But I still made so many bad decisions that got me nowhere. Now I'm 41 years old with no real skill sets or college degree as of this moment in life I am a glorified mail boy. And from my experiences in job interviews, I will be a laughing stock to them. The only thing I have going for me is that I am a very loyal employee I do have old school work ethics (never late, never call out, etc.) but in today's world that is flat-out use less. I own I home and a car that is slowly fading away and I have no clue how to handle it.
The thing about depression is it makes you contemplate suicide often, and in the last year I have come very close to biting the bullet, or since I don't own a gun maybe an overdose on pain meds. However, I can't kill myself due to a promise I made to my dying grandmother as she faded away. And anybody who knows me well knows I am OCD about keeping my promises. My grandmother was a genius even in her last few hours she knew I'd be tested in life. And that I would want to end. She knew how much she meant to me she knew I would keep my promise. And I always will. I feel if I can overcome the obstacles in my life I'll be a better man for it. Plus I really want to go back to school but sadly I am unable to afford it. Because I got so much I have to pay. (Full Disclosure) In the last year I finally after 40 years developed an addiction. I never in a million years thought I'd be an addict. But here it goes... I'm an online shopping addict. I couldn't seem to stop buying things even though I knew I had no money. But on the flip side as of June 2017, I finally stopped, it was hard and still is. But now I have a bill of 1500.00 due to PayPal and my credit card is around 300.00 at the moment so now I'm stressing about that.
Yesterday my car's brakes started to act funny and now I'm worried my brakes will go out and I'll wreck and maybe hurt someone or myself. So now I'm scared because I don't have money to fix it. I am so unsure of what is to come of my life, scared I may lose my ride and not be able to make it to work in turn can't make money for bills then may lose my home or worse. I am so lost right now. I read every day to help me take my mind off things and gather hope from what I'm reading. I reread a lot of Marcus Aurelius writings and Epictetus and Seneca as well, they help calm me down and I really like it. Just wish I could obtain the skills and knowledge of being a real stoic and a real adult and know how to proceed in my life, right now I feel like a stupid teenager still.
I know this is a lot of complaining and most people in the world will be like stop complaining....everyone has problems with them I say fuck you! Don't you think I know that! I know quite well that others around this world are way worse off them me. So why are you always coming at me with such judgment? I don't judge you not even one ounce because it's not worth my time. I write this today to simply get it off my chest and for the ones that really care about me maybe they might want to help. Please understand I don't want your pity or handouts just advice or help me find ways to improve my situation.
One last thing my health in the last year has gone downhill and I may not be around much longer but I want everyone to know I love them and always will. Not sure if anyone will ever read this. But if you do just know I did not kill myself! I ask that everyone be strong and go on with their lives its what I want everyone to do. Love you all!
Jack
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